To Find The Light

These past few days have been rough around the edges — anxiety and disassociation, shades of grey infecting my heart and bones, the very foundation of who I am. These past few days I’ve felt beat up, bruised, black and blue. And I’ve wanted to cry my eyes out — but not for the reason you’re thinking.

You see, a year ago I was a rotting heart and no hope. I was holding onto life by my fingernails, clawing to get a handhold, anything to keep me from falling. It was getting harder every day. The voices in my head didn’t belong to me and shouted over each other — they were violent and cruel. But under all that yelling was my mind, quietly whispering not to give up. That there were people who needed me, and if I couldn’t live for myself, then maybe I could live for them.

I talked to my doctor, we switched up my medications (again and again, I’m a science experiment gone wrong), until finally, about 5 months ago, we got it right. I could function for the first time in what felt like forever, but was probably more like 9 years. I survived 9 years of anguish, and I lived to see the other side. I lived to see my boyfriend’s smiling face in the evenings after work, I lived to pet my cats at midnight when I can’t sleep, I lived to watch the sun set and the moon rise, illuminating my darkness and chasing away my shadows.

These past few days I’ve wanted to cry. Not because I don’t feel all that good, no. Because I’ve felt so, so much worse and I’ve lived through it. I didn’t give up. I can survive this, and you can too. Even if you’re clinging to that cliff wall, too tired to call for help, touching earth only by the tips of your fingers, you can survive. You are strong, you are relentless, and you can live. No matter how dark your sky is, there will always be a star of light. And I hope that star becomes a sun of radiance in your life soon, because you deserve it. You deserve to live.

I’m so proud you made it this far. Don’t give up now. There is light just around the corner. All you’ve gotta do is keep moving, even if you crawl, even if it’s a centimeter a day. There’s light on the other side.

I’ll meet you there.